From Vintage To The Freshly New

People like me who have decided to become parents in this lifetime, must be aware of the responsibility that creating another human being from our own energy entails. Often times we are completely ignorant of the habits and behavior patterns that we transmit to our children. Not only because our primitive and genetic history is their energy from the moment of birth, but also because our physical presence in their lives –with all the good and the bad that we have created for ourselves- affects them directly. In the same way, children are not aware of this influence coming from past and present which, can be transformed from the moment it is identified and accepted.

Although times we live in undergo a noticeable acceleration, and their rush forces old ways to disappear, many are still deeply rooted in obsolete ideas and consider themselves to be victims of circumstance. The idea that we are creators of our world, and that thanks to our inner power, we have never been victims of anything, much less of someone else, has just started to take form in the minds of the masses that little by little are awakening to the new ways.

If we were to ask the average individual about his identity and what he or she has done so far in life, we would get an answer that would commonly include a few other responsible parties apart from him or herself. Other “guilty” ones who are to blame for previous or current experiences: “My mother did X or Y to me and that is why I am like this” or “My father forced me to X or Y and now I am living the consequences”. The list of accusatory phrases is never-ending. It is full of the most accessible arguments for the ego that is never ready to accept responsibility for the self-destruction that perhaps one may be reproducing on a day to day basis. These behavior patterns can produce great pain and sorrow if we decide to deny their existence. On the contrary, when we accept them for what they are, they can become blessings in disguise that invite us to react, to grow once we have decided to get out of our present comfort zone and discover the world beyond that which today is not allowing us to perceive through.

Today I am writing about addictions. It is a recurrent theme in my life. I inherited serious addictions and of course I witnessed them during my childhood and teens. From these, I even developed an endless list of other addictions. But primarily, for many years, I used alcohol in an uncontrolled and cruel manner, to hurt myself and deny the possibility of feeling self-love. Literally, I put an end to all my dreams and all that once seemed like everything to me.

Thanks to having accepted this addiction that later became a blessing, I was able to disintegrate as a whole so that I could become the vulnerable and essential being that would allow me to start off with new basics, those that would not depend on any other substance different than my own. Thanks to my addiction I was able to open the door to the person that I really was, I saw my own light, that which I used to heal and free myself from the vicious circle I was trapped in. Yes, I had so many around me living the same as me that it was difficult to understand why it was important to abandon this obsession when others were acting like indulgent mirrors.

But one day Death came to visit and tempt me -or perhaps to show me that I was a living dead already and that day, at last, I finally recognized it! I was the only one that could resuscitate from that place I was in. There was no one to blame, truly, and there was no way that someone else could change that which only depended upon me.

“I felt utterly exhausted that night, so worn out I didn’t want to live anymore. I showered thousands of kisses on my daughters. I told them how much I loved them and waited until they fell asleep. I was so proud of them; they were the only thing that made me feel that my life had been worth living. My husband’s words during his last visit quickly left their effect on my sick mind and it wasn’t long before I convinced myself that, if I was that old and useless, there was nothing left to live for. Their grandmothers and my sister Betrys would take care of them once I was gone. Moreover, although Sebastián was a poor husband, he was a good father and they would be in good hands. It was already late that night when I locked myself in the bathroom, with a small, sharp knife I took from the kitchen. I spent several hours, seated on the cold marble floor, crying as quietly as I could, and playing around with my veins without finding the nerve to sink the knife in. I only managed to make a superficial cut in the skin of my left wrist, which bled a little. The thought of my daughters acted as a lifesaver. They were the angels who protected me in those moments of profound darkness. Their smiling little faces, their kisses, and the way they said, “I love you, Mommy” passed before me, ever more vividly. I couldn’t let my demons win this battle. Where was the girl whose desperate wish to live had beaten death some few times in her childhood? Where was my self-respect? I had to find it, to make the effort. The time to return to the other side had not yet come.”

from While I Was Learning to Become God by Roxana Jones: http://roxanajones.com/books/

In moments of great darkness in my life I was on the verge of taking my own life. I don't even believe I was myself when I wanted to act in such a cowardly fashion. I needed to experience great pain and sadness before wanting to start to know myself and realize the lack of love I was feeling inside. Yes, lack of love, because there is no way one can become an addict if we are not experiencing this absence of love. It is our denial, our emptiness, our unhappiness with what we are, that leads us to touch rock bottom. But in this bottom lies our salvation, or rather, the salvation of those who are willing to survive until the end in order to learn about true…love.

It is time to responsibly reflect and see what we are living through. What does life want to tell us by means of the signs we observe in our reality? Although we prefer to ignore her, life sends us all sorts of aids and warnings in her own language. God, how much denial we live in! When are we going to realize that it is vital to change what our parents were not able to? There are very few of us with parents that decided to change for the benefit of future generations. Even though humans –with exceptions of course–, are a species that suffers from ‘change intolerance’, change is our reason for living, our redemption and therefore, that of those who have suffered our same disease without being able to heal.

Today I know that I am a new person, and by being outside the vicious circle, I can see what I have left behind, the destruction I experienced. Yes, I exerted myself to change because I could not allow my children to continue to repeat my own unconsciousness. Accepting the negativity I was transmitting them was what made me awaken to this new reality where my addiction stopped controlling me with a fictitious power that only my sick mind had been able to believe in. Today I want the same for the rest, whether my children or those of others. I want individuals to take responsibility for what no one else can do for them. I want the youth of this world to stop dying before their time.

I wish for the heart to take control of our actions once again, and in this way, frustrate the subjugation of minds full of creativity that are prematurely cut short due to the absence of love caused by the ego and its tricks. This is my desire for those that are still alive. To those who have died from addiction and were still in denial of their disease, I can only send my love and compassion. Hopefully they will have another opportunity to repeat their non-consummated lesson. After all, no one is a victim of circumstance.

Once we have taken off the victim’s disguise, the world no longer happens outside of us and begins to happen IN us. This world with no addictions within us will be reflected as our exterior, a new exterior, healthy and free of old alien habits. From then on, we will be able to allow the freshness of pure and lively air to replace the old and putrid smells that can only be associated with death and destruction.

About the Author: Roxana Jones' ( http://roxanajones.com ) writings are dedicated to communicate the transformational experiences she is able to live as a result of her new heart and mind. Subscribe to her newsletter at http://roxanajones.com/subscribe-to-our-newsletter/